Wellbeing Guide 9: Why Shouting Doesn’t Work
Parenting often feels like a delicate balance between guiding your child’s emotions and managing your own. Children experience big feelings they are still learning to navigate, and as parents, it’s natural to want to help them through these moments.
That’s why at Bright Horizons, we practise The Nurture Approach; a blend of our research-based holistic learning alongside our support for children’s emotional wellbeing, all lovingly delivered by the expertise of our dedicated practitioners. And because we know wellbeing is so important for young children, our Early Childhood Experts have created a series of Wellbeing Guides just for you. Through these guides, you’ll not only gain a deeper understanding of early childhood development but also benefit from expert advice on raising a happy, confident, and emotionally resilient child.
In this guide, our experts shed light on the importance of why shouting isn’t an effective form of correction for children and offer some positive alternatives to try.
Addressing behaviour before shouting
When you feel as though your child is displaying unwanted behaviour, it can be highly frustrating. However, it's crucial to recognise that such behaviour is often a result of children struggling to regulate their emotions. Young children, in particular, may not yet have the skills to manage their feelings effectively, leading to emotional outbursts or actions that seem inappropriate.
Understanding this can help parents approach the situation with empathy and patience rather than frustration. Through co-regulation, children learn that hurtful actions or words are not acceptable, and with your support, they can begin to manage their emotions in a healthier way.
But why exactly should we avoid shouting?
Shouting demonstrates a lack of control
When you resort to shouting, it can give the impression that you are not in control of the situation. Maintaining calm in these moments is crucial, as it demonstrates confidence and stability, encouraging your child to follow your lead.
Stress response and disengagement
Children tend to 'switch off' when they are shouted at, leading to a rise in cortisol levels. This stress hormone triggers the body's fight-or-flight response, causing children to feel anxious and overwhelmed. A 2014 study in The Journal of Child Development even showed that shouting produces effects similar to physical punishment in children: increased levels of anxiety, stress, and depression, along with more behavioural problems.
Escalation of conflict
Shouting often escalates the situation. Children may shut down and stop listening altogether as a defence mechanism against emotional overload. Alternatively, they might answer back, which can lead to a cycle of rising conflict, where both the parent and child become increasingly frustrated and upset.
Try these instead of shouting
- Check how regulated you are and pause before responding
Reacting impulsively in the heat of the moment often leads to shouting, which can be counterproductive. Unless it's an emergency (e.g. shouting “Stop!” if your child is in danger), take a moment to pause before responding.
This brief pause allows you to assess your own emotional state. By ensuring you are regulated, you can approach the situation with calm and composure rather than frustration.
- Count to 10 and regulate your breathing
When emotions run high, shift your focus to your breathing. Counting to ten (or higher if needed!) can help you slow your heart rate and calm your thoughts. This simple technique reduces anger and enables you to respond more thoughtfully and effectively.
- Change the environment – go out for some fresh air or a change of scenery
If you’re home alone with your little one, stepping outside might feel difficult - but even a few minutes in the garden can provide a sense of renewal. A change of scenery can interrupt anxious or angry thought patterns, helping you approach your child with a clearer mind. Fresh air benefits both you and your child.
- Remember to treat your child as you would like to be treated
No one likes being shouted at - whether adult or child. Shouting can feel humiliating, belittling, and threatening. If a child stops crying after being shouted at, it’s not because they’ve calmed down; it’s because they’ve shut down emotionally.
Treating your child with the same respect and kindness you would expect helps nurture a healthier, more positive relationship. Conflict can then be approached with empathy and understanding, creating a supportive environment for your child to grow.