How we strike the balance between planned activities and encouraging independent play

Sam is a mum of two and a member of our fantastic Parent Panel*, a diverse community of Bright Horizons parents sharing their experiences of raising happy, thriving and confident children. In this blog, she shares her personal reflections on finding a balance between planned activities and independent play, including what she’s learned from giving her children space to explore in their own way.

As parents and caregivers, I think we can all struggle with the balance between independent play and planned activities. Instagram taught me that planned activities were the goal, while independent play was just ‘ignoring the children’. And, of course, social media always gives us a completely realistic view of family life, right? Wrong…

I spent so much time filling our days that eventually the idea of ‘just having a quiet day’ became stressful. It took me a long time to realise I’d added so much structure that my kids simply weren’t used to playing independently.

So how do we strike a balance? I’d love to say I have the answers, but as with most things when it comes to parenting, it depends on the child. Instead, I want to share some mistakes I’ve made, along with a few things that work for us.

I find it helpful to think of four broad types of play, and I’ve included examples we do in each category:

This distinction helped me understand that both independent and planned play can allow room for different types of parenting and levels of interaction.

Sometimes less is more

There’s an important difference between being involved and being available. Are you driving the activity, or simply there when they need you?

It can be tempting to ‘improve’ what children are doing, something I’ve definitely been guilty of. When my son was younger, I couldn’t resist helping when he put a sticker down a bit wonky; I wanted to teach him how to do it ‘properly’. But after I’d ‘helped’ a few times, he started asking me to place every sticker for him. I’d turned something he was learning independently into something he thought he needed me for.

He’s great at stickers now! I made a conscious effort not to repeat the mistake with my daughter. She couldn’t care less whether a sticker is straight. It still drives me slightly mad, but she’s happy – and that’s the important bit.

Sometimes, being a good caregiver isn’t about thinking of the next activity or ‘fixing’ what they’re doing; it’s about giving them space to do it themselves.

Balance doesn’t always mean 50/50

This has been a big learning curve for me, because my children are complete opposites.

My son genuinely enjoys independent play. I occasionally get told, “I’m sad, Mummy, because I wanted to play on my own, but you came in.” Charming! His independent play is almost entirely child-led – but with planned activities, he often prefers doing things with me. I suspect it’s because he’s a rule follower who likes structure; other children can have a habit of introducing more chaos than he appreciates!

My daughter, however, is far more reliant on caregiver involvement than her brother was at the same age. Even her independent play revolves around me. Her current favourite involves tucking me into bed, then roaring and telling me there’s a lion outside!

Interestingly, she’s less interested in planned activities I lead. She’d rather do exactly what she wants. But put her in a group and she’s far more willing to join in, because she has other children to follow.

I spent a while trying to put her in the same box as her brother, but it turns out: same house, same caregivers, completely different children.

Don’t forget yourself in the balance

Whatever balance you find needs to work for you too.

Children need our attention some of the time, and want it most of the time. When we have the bandwidth to give it, brilliant. But caregivers need looking after as well.

Independent play gives children space to develop their own interests and learn that we don’t always need to provide the entertainment. It also gives us a chance to cook dinner, drink a cup of tea or simply have a few minutes where nobody needs us.

The right balance won’t look the same for every child, caregiver or even every day. For me, that’s been the biggest lesson: the goal isn’t to fill their time perfectly. It’s to find a balance where everyone gets a little of what they need.