The 5 Things I Tell Myself When Guilt Takes a Grip

Meet Sam, mum to a preschooler and soon-to-be toddler, and a member of our wonderful Parent Panel* – a diverse community of Bright Horizons parents sharing their experiences of raising happy, thriving and confident children. Here, Sam shares how she navigates parenting guilt, and the simple reminders that help her keep perspective…

Guilt is a minefield when it comes to parenting. All over social media, we hear words like lazy and selfish thrown around. You made your child a frozen meal instead of a home-cooked one? Lazy. You went out with friends and missed bedtime? Selfish.

As someone who has a bunch of meals ready in the freezer and goes to a pub quiz (pre-bedtime!) every week, I think this is a load of rubbish.

But when those guilty feelings do inevitably creep in, here are the things I remind myself of…

1. One hard day doesn’t define me as a parent

We’ve all had those days when we are counting down the seconds until bedtime. Sometimes, a successful day is one where everyone got fed, dressed, and survived bedtime – and that’s okay. Sometimes, okay is enough.

I recently ended up solo parenting while I had stitches and couldn’t lift my very strong-willed three-year-old daughter. My mum asked if I needed help, and my honest response was: “Worst comes to worst, she goes to sleep downstairs in her clothes with only partially brushed teeth.” It’s not our usual daily standard of care, but for one day, it’s fine.

2. Social media isn’t the full story

The constant stream of social media doesn’t help when you’re already having a hard day. There’s something called a cognitive-emotional disconnect, where logically we know these influencer families aren’t as perfect as they seem, but emotionally we can still feel guilty if our lives don’t look the same.

There’s no simple solution to this because emotions don’t always respond to logic. All I can say is, don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from. These people don’t know your circumstances, so don’t feel pressured to match the overly polished image they put out.

3. Take time for yourself

It’s important to keep your own tank full. In modern society we talk a lot about burnout, and that term isn’t just for stressed people at work – it applies to parenting, too.

Think about those difficult parenting days that leave us feeling guilty. How many of them happen because we are completely burnt out? If we expect ourselves to run at 100% capacity every day and create the perfect Insta-ready life without ever recharging, eventually we’re going to hit empty. And, often, it’s that emotional low battery that leads to the hard days.

Most of us have something that helps us feel like ourselves again, and for me that’s my pub quiz. Four weeks after my daughter was born, I went back – not because I cared less about being a parent, but because it helped me reconnect with myself outside of motherhood.

4. Happy parents, happy children!

Research has consistently shown links between parental wellbeing – particularly maternal mental health and life satisfaction – and children’s emotional wellbeing.

A lot of people think happiness is purely a consequence of our circumstances, but that’s not entirely what the science says. Being mindful that there are more severe situations for which these things won’t help, there are small, intentional things we can do to try and improve our happiness levels. For example:

• Keeping a happiness journal – every day, write down three things that made you happy. I was surprised that even on the hardest parenting days, my children still appeared on that list.
• Having a folder of photos on your phone that brings back happy memories.
• Allowing other people to help you. Research shows that helping others can improve happiness levels, so it’s a double win – your life becomes easier, and the other person gets a happiness boost, too.

5. Guilt is evidence of love and commitment, not failure

If you’re walking down the street and someone tries to stop you to sell you broadband, you don’t feel guilty saying “not now”. But saying “not now” to our children can sometimes leave us carrying that familiar guilt. Why is that? Because with our children, the relationship carries emotional weight. We care deeply about how they feel, how connected they feel to us, and whether we’re meeting their needs.

A more positive perspective

I want to finish by talking about those three words I started with: laziness, selfishness and guilt. They’re important feelings that often get a negative reputation.

Laziness - What we call laziness is often a signal that the mind or body needs rest, recovery or balance. Humans are wired to conserve energy, especially during stress or overwhelm.

Selfishness - In many ways, based on research, I’d argue it would be selfish not to be a little selfish sometimes, because it improves both our lives and our children’s lives. Healthy selfishness can look like boundaries, rest, joy, or recognising that caring for ourselves is part of sustaining our ability to care for others.

Guilt - Guilt is an important emotion. It exists to help us protect relationships and stay connected to the people around us.

Embrace these emotions in the way they were intended: as signals to support us, not shame us.